How One Tattoo Redefined Who I Am

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High school me would be so proud that I finally made the step to get tattoos, not caring if they had meaning or not, as long as they looked cool, she'd approve. I got my first tattoo out of boredom and with a desire to spend some money. Going alone was one of the most liberating experiences of my life. Experiencing any firsts by yourself can be overwhelming, but I enjoyed it so much.

Fast forward a few weeks later, I got into an unequally yoked relationship that I had every belief would flourish and with hopes I could help and encourage him, but later realized that not only was I not bringing him closer to God, he was bringing me further away from Him. A week before I broke up with him, we made a spontaneous decision to get tattoos together. I didn't see it as an issue then, it wasn't like we were getting tattoos of each others faces. But now my second tattoo is haunted by a person I no longer talk to, and sometimes overshadows the meaning of my tat; peace, prosperity, protect and God in Japanese symbols, and sometimes I just want to rip it off so I don't have to be reminded everyday of my failure to discern and date properly. Getting into that relationship was what my flesh wanted, someone to love and love me, but my spirit needed me separated from what was keeping me away from pursuing God. Doesn't mean it felt good though, it felt like withdrawal. I was spiraling.

I cringe at the thought of people hating me, or seeing me and running the opposite direction, because like why? lol, so I try everything in my power to prove that person wrong and change their opinions about me, but when you genuinely try and fail? How do you come back from that. I hurt this guy when I broke things off. I was friends with him prior to us getting together and knowing that it could never go back to the way it was before gutted me for weeks. Enough where I started to agree with the thoughts in my head that weren't mine. The enemy constantly poured thoughts of shame and guilt in my head and I started to believe that I was a terrible person and that no one would forgive me, even God.

Honestly, what transpired was all consequences of my own actions that I took accountability for, but whether or not that guy truly forgave me or not, to move forward I needed to forgive myself. Paul says in Philippians 3:13, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead." I don't know if you know but Paul literally murdered christians for their faith, but God changed his heart and then became a disciple of Jesus himself. We can all be disciples of Jesus. We can all be redeemed and restored. We are no longer bound to our past, even if you did something you regret an hour ago, it doesn't define you.

Confidence in Him is eternal. We can trust that He is who He says He is. We can trust God's promises to us, we can trust how God created us and we can trust what God says about us. Because I am confident in my God and my own identity, I will take risks, I will love others, dream big and think the unthinkable. (Deut 31:6, 1 Cor 15:58, Eph 6:10)

Jesus tells us in Luke 11 verse 33, no one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden or under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand so that those who come in may see the light. You don't light the lamp to then cover it with a towel, makes no sense. That's what a lot of us are doing though. We're letting fear of rejection, embarrassment, and shame be the towel that you put your light under. We're hiding our light. Meanwhile, God wants us to let our light shine to the world for all to see and draw closer to him. Arise and shine. Let that fear go.

My 3rd tattoo which says radiance has a lot of meaning for me. It means my name in Arabic. But I also think of it as a stepping stone. God guiding me out of darkness, the stormy cloud I was under, and bringing me into the light, His light. The same way the sun makes your skin tingle when you tan outside, I feel that tingle in my body, because I want Gods hand on me and everything I do. This tattoo is me stepping into a new era in my life, full of love, joy, and abundance. Even if nothing comes about it in the physical. I know my God will be my everlasting light in heaven, I won't even need the sun to shine on me. (Isaiah 60:19-20) That in itself, keeps me going.